I happened to look in the mirror yesterday while applying moisturizer and then again later on when I was changing. Yesterday I had a thought that I have not had before in my life when I have seen my body, I like it. I like it on its own. I am very confident in the confines of my own space at home, be it on my own or with Mike home too. I have the ability to parade back and forth, strutting my stuff and feeling on top of the world. I am happy with who I am!
Fast forward to the moment I actually leave the house. The moment someone from outside my house sees me. My confidence plummets faster than Felix Baumgartner falling back to earth. I make sure before I walk out the door that I am mostly covered, summer or winter aside, I dress as though I have religious views over my body. A short dress for me does not rise higher than my knees and I would prefer to wear scarves and long-sleeved shirts all year round. I could go into why I always want to hide my body but if we all probe and scrutinize our own bodies that much we will all only find fault. It bothers me greatly, I am bothered by the fact that when I have absolutely nothing and no one to compare myself to I feel perfect. I love my legs, my butt, my tummy and strange hour-glass/pear shaped figure. Genetically I can tell you exactly what part of my body comes from which parents and grandparents so logic would tell me that this is my shape, no amount of exercise or healthy eating will change my tiny torso and wide hips let alone the fluffiest, curliest, mind of its own hair you ever did see. My favourite comment on my hair when I had let it down was that I had “released the beast”. For years I was insulted by what my friend had said but now, I can laugh and realize it is a beast, of many nationalities and holds so much history that one day I will go out with my hair down and like it as much as I do when I am at home.
My fear of my own reflection took such a drastic hold over me, I, at one point I did seek professional help to get over my suffocating ways of self-depreciation every single time I saw a photograph of myself. I have to say that I am improving slowly and with the love and support from Mike I am slowly changing this stubborn mindset of mine. Writing about this is a step I have decided to take in my efforts to change negative into positive, belittling myself into confidence and complimenting myself.